A blog! An update!

It’s been a much better week.  I’m starting to feel like my old self more and more every day.  I’m laughing again and have my sense of humor back.  I can distinguish between reality and dreams.  All in all, back to where I started with some progress.

I’ve been going out every day, almost.  The weather has taken a change for the nicer (except for today, the day I say something, of course) and I’ve had my son out playing in the dirt most days.  Yesterday I took him across the lot to play with one of the little boys outside who is 20 months old.  My son turns 2 in exactly 2 weeks.  Time has really gone by quickly.

I also went to the store yesterday.  By the end of the day, leaving the house for such long periods of time each had me pretty worn out.  A side effect of the  new drug I’m on is “inner restlessness” and “the need to stay in constant motion” and I suspect that had something to do with my wearing down quickly, too.

Today the way I talked myself into getting out was to treat myself to another massage.  It was amazing and perfect, and I actually laid still the whole hour.  No fidgeting or pacing around like a lunatic.  Hopefully the rain will let up soon and I can let my son go play with the neighbor little Braden again today.  He’s currently resisting naptime.

I have been taking more xanax lately as this new restlessness side effect has kicked into high gear, but I feel like it’s all going to waste, because I’m only taking it to combat side effects of another drug instead of PRN just when I need it for anxiety.  The idea of the abilify causing anxiety to treat anxiety is a bit baffling to me, but I’ll certainly bring it up at my next appointment – April 9th.  I’m going to continue giving this medication a fair shot, though, because I really am starting to feel better and perhaps there’s something other than a benzo that can help alleviate the one side effect I’m experiencing.  Though I must say, I don’t think I’ve moved around or walked/paced this much since I was much younger and more spritely.

So that’s where I am right now.  Exciting things are happening every day.  I’m attempting to quit smoking again on the 24th of this month.  I will have been undergoing intense hypnosis each day for two weeks at that point.  Wish me luck on that one (again!).  I feel like a hypocrite puffing away on cigarettes and saying “oh look at how anxious and agoraphobic and ocd and xyz i am” while adding a CNS stimulant to the mix every hour or so.  And not drinking enough water.  Though I have done my vitamins every day since I’ve been out here in Tennessee, so well over a month now.  My fingernails and hair are the main things that show it.

I also went out and got my hair done this last week.  It just keeps getting blonder and blonder.  My fiance will be thrilled when he sees me next.  We have a little agreement.  I keep my hair long and blonde and he doesn’t get to grow facial hair.  It’s pretty fair all around.

Am I still agoraphobic even though I’m leaving my house every day with minimal problems?  Maybe.  It hurts my head to think about it too hard, and I’m fairly sure it doesn’t matter.  What matters is I’m trying.  I’m failing sometimes, but I’m mostly succeeding.  I’m learning from the failures, and trying not to repeat the missteps.

I felt a bit “manic” yesterday, last night, and today.  I say “manic” in quotes because it’s not like the real thing.  I just get a bit silly and want to spend money on things that make a lot of sense and I probably need, but shouldn’t buy at 11:30pm on the Internet without first consulting my fiance.  I didn’t sleep well at all last night, which makes me think I could be right about the slight mania.

Fiance, if you’re reading this.  I put my credit card away.  I promise.   No new toys for me this month.

I have a long way to go.  But I think I can make it.  It’s a baby step process, just like everything else in life.

Much love to you all,

annie