Long time no write

I wish I could tell you all that I’ve not written because I’ve been doing so wonderfully that I haven’t had time.  The truth, though, is that I’ve slipped into a pretty decent depression.  Not so much progress as back pedaling.  It all started when I was left alone for a week while my brother was commissioned into the Navy as a Lieutenant.  I was left alone with my son, two dogs (one that was dying of cancer), and two cats.  Housesitting, it was called.

The second night I was home, my son figured out how doorknobs work, and while I was fast asleep thanks to some sinus issues and benadryl, removed all of his clothes and got into every “no” room in the house.  Somehow, he scraped up his genitals very badly, sending me into complete panic and forcing me to drive to the emergency room.  Terrified of my son hurting, and of driving, I coped and made it through.  Thankfully, he was fine and just got some antibiotics since none of us knew what he scraped them on.

For the next several days, I spent in paranoia.  Was children’s services coming?  What about the mess in the living room I hadn’t been able to get to because of my “trauma”?  Was I going to lose my son to the state in the whole week that I had no support system?

They never came, of course.  And I never got around to the major messes, except to pick up all the dangerous items he’d strewn about the house the night before.  After my paranoia, I went into a depression.  I figured myself an incurable lunatic.  I checked the mail, and that was it

My family came home, and mostly helped me get back on track, but the depression was still there.  My son had turned 2 shortly before the household evacuation, and my fiance had been to visit.  I was so intent on showing everyone how well I was doing.  His birthday was awesome, no doubt.  And I was THRILLED to see my fiance.

I ran out of medication a week before I could get it filled, and things got even worse.  I couldn’t get up off of the sofa for any decent amount of time.  My mother was (probably still is) beyond frustrated with me.  And then, yesterday, we had to put our dog to sleep.

It was horrible.  I felt horrible yesterday, like there was a hole so big in my heart a truck could drive through.  Today I just feel very, very sad.  We were with her when she went, and it was very peaceful.  The vet, who I love, confirmed she was very sick and we were doing the right thing.  I’ve never been witness to the life going out of someone/something before, and I feel a bit traumatized by the experience.  I think I’d be more traumatized if I hadn’t been with her, telling her how much I love her and that she put up a good fight.  It was a no win.  And today, the house is empty without her.  My heart aches and I can’t help but wish things could have been different, that she could have lived forever without suffering, but I know how childish that sounds.

So that’s my update, sorry it’s a bit of a bummer.  Give me a few days and I’ll be on the right track again, hopefully with more frequent updates.  I think I got a bit scared off by where my traffic was coming from, instead of the fact that I had any at all.  So from now on I won’t be looking.

Take care of yourselves everyone.  And RIP Abbey, we loved you so much.

7 Responses

  1. Hi Annie…

    Hope you’re doing better today, or at the very least, after you read this comment. I saw the dreaded word, “Agora…” and knowing more than I ever wanted to know about the world of ‘phobias’ I felt it would be cruel if I didn’t take just a moment to drop you a line.

    As you can see my nickname here at wordpress.com is ‘onemorecup.’ I have three blogs here as well: (1) The Thinker, (2) Simpleminds, and (3) American Age that have assisted me enormously, if for no other reason than the usual: Not having to go outside, mingle with people, or ever go through another ‘attack’ again. However, I have been a writer for decades now and it is something I love to do.

    Cats’ are out….so to speak and I admire your ways of dealing with some of your symptoms (NOT issues, insofar as it’s not about issues!); actually, for me I went undiagnosed for years. Then after the extreme (puking, passing out, and close to $50,000 in medical treatment) perhaps as I felt ‘life-threatening’ panic episodes escalating more yep, I thought I was a goner for sure.

    We can do specifics later, if and only if you care too. I was an agoraphobic (agoraphobiac) for over thirty years when I was finally diagnosed. Again, as I’ve stated previously, it is very difficult for humankind to openly self-disclose, especially when people do not understand what agoraphobia is; however, worse is the notion that they have no idea what one suffering from the ailment is going through. I care. I’ve been down the road. I’ve been in those shoes, and if you like, I’m here to read. CHEERS!

    OMC

  2. Wow! You’ve had a bad time!

    But you’re on your way out of it.

    I have also had to put my dog to sleep. Even though her quality of life was getting very poor, I felt really guilty about it all. For weeks after. Luckily I’ve got over it now.

    Anyway, good to see you blogging again. It’s a good release, isn’t it? I look forward to seeing a positive post soon…

    Thinking of you & wishing you all the best…

  3. have a great day and take care of yourself.. 🙂

  4. Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Overhaul!!

  5. Just found your blogs.
    Sorry your having a bad time, and thankyou for helping me feel not SO alone with this
    xoxox take care

  6. Hi Annie, I just found your blog, I am sorry to hear about your dog 😦
    Sounds like it was a terrible time, I know its months since you posted here, but I hope you are having some better days.

    Take care

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