An Adjustment Period

I’m starting to think that things here in Tennessee might work out.  Of course I don’t want it as a permanent solution.  I want to go back to my fiance and my home desperately.  I’m starting to think I just might be able to get some of these issues under control before I do, though.

I have been out of the house here every day since I got here.  Of course, I had at least one parent with me, so that’s not a huge deal.  But every day is!  I have been taking klonopin to help me get out.  It’s working.  I still have to leave the stores sometimes and catch my breath.  But I go back in and at least give it one more shot before I call it a good effort.

Attempting to make this place feel like a temporary home is a big emotional.  I keep thinking, “But if I put this here, where will B’s stuff go?”.  Things like that.  It also just plain isn’t our home, so there’s that ever looming feeling of being a fraud.

I’m actually looking forward to my psychiatrist appointment next Thursday.  I wish it were sooner, obviously.  I’m really ready to lift up my sleeves and do the work.  Agoraphobics don’t care for waiting, if you don’t know that.  It causes us tenfold the anxiety.

I’m curious what this doctor will say.  What medications will she put me on, if any?  Will they work?  Does she want me to do combined medication and CBT?  Some other treatment I’m not familiar with.  I need answers!

My son is having the time of his life out here in the country.  Especially with all of the boxes to unpack and moving paper still a bit strewn about.  He is running around outside like a crazy man.  Pushing his plastic lawnmore.  Riding his bigwheel.  Digging up rocks.  And generally just being a little boy.  I am thrilled he is able to do all of this stuff, but still feel quite guilty that I’ve been depriving him of some of these things at home because of my own phobias.

I’m scared.  But I’m armed and ready for battle.  I’m not sure there will be much more to update between now and the doctor’s appointment, but if something comes up I’ll be sure to let you all know.