Day 8 – I Can Bore The Worst Of Agoraphobiacs

I’ve been struggling with writing an update today. Pretty much anything I write will sound exactly the same as the last four or so days. I am even boring myself with all that nonsense, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling!

I have been thinking about how I got so far gone in my phobias and panic issues. I keep wondering how I could have just plain missed it for so long. And the question I keep asking is how? How on earth did I miss it? How did I not catch it before it got out of control? And then I wonder, exactly what day, what incident broke the camel’s back?

Was it something I’ve already written about? Something I’ve forgotten? Was it a general collection of years of little things? But still, there had to be a single point when I crossed the line from being “above average anxious” to “refuses to leave the house”. I wonder if I would have done much different even if someone had warned me. In my younger years, I wasn’t much for thinking about consequences of my actions. At least not the consequences that only had an effect on me.

It’s getting more difficult to not be hard on myself for the things I have failed to accomplish since figuring out something was wrong and I want to fight it. Right now, I’m fighting like a girl. Time for a new strategy.

2 Responses

  1. I remember one day with social anxiety at its absolute worst, I needed a pen to fill out a form. I wandered the entire hospital looking for one and lacked the courage to ask for it. I kept getting so angry with myself for not being able to ask and I worked myself into a complete tizzy. I was late for my counseling appointment because of it and I took a lot of talking down.

    The anger with myself and giving in to my fear only served to strengthen it. That is real easy to say, harder to do. But I have to believe the straw that broke the Camel’s back was probably the first time you gave in to not leaving the home because it was just to much and then maybe berated yourself over and over for it. is giving in to any fear and failing to see what we do achieve, even if it is something stupid, like asking for a pen after two hours of stewing, Yeah, so it took a while, but eventually I did ask for the pen. Oddly, I found a good strategy was to face what I could and be proud of it.

  2. I take dog for a walk with someone in my family, I have been agorophobic, since 1991.

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