Day 7 – Agoraphobia’s Winning

I have a million reasons to not leave my house today.  My fiance will be working until well past my bedtime, so I gave him the car.  It’s cold and windy outside.  It’s raining off and on.  I have a lot to do around the house (but shockingly none of it is getting done – curious, isn’t it?).  I don’t have any spending money for the rest of the month.  I could keep going, but I’m actually not trying to bore my readers.

But now, a week into my realization that I have agoraphobia and it’s gotten out of control, I am finally, just now, seeing that there will always be a million reasons to not leave my house any given day.  I will always have an up to the minute list of at least ten reasons I “can’t” go out today.  I seem to have gotten lost again in my denial.  Like I’m saying “Yeah, sure I have agoraphobia.  I get that now.  But that’s not the reason I’m not leaving my house today.  The reasons for today are:”.   And it made a world of sense to me until I just put it into writing and saw the absurdity of it.

While I still feel a little silly for making the discovery so late into the problem, and then jumping right back into denial, I’m going to attempt to stay positive.  I will be a whole lot more aware of if something I’m feeling is real or a byproduct of denial.  I’m not saying I’ll get it right, or be disciplined enough to follow through all the time.  Awareness is a start.

I think everyone who reads this already knows that they aren’t reading the blog of a recovered agoraphobic.  You’re not even technically reading the blog of an agoraphobic in recovery.  You’re reading my blog, and all I’m doing is blindly taking baby steps in an effort to one day make it to the stop of the staircase.  I appreciate everyone who has joined me so far.

Cheers to you!

One Response

  1. I suffer from agoraphobia and I have been for three years now. Ive came a long way but have back slid in the last month or so. Its been a long journey for me and my website is my blog and it covers my agoraphobia from a- z. Anyway, great post!

    James

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