My Agoraphobia Isn’t Limited To My House

I’ve been thinking this morning while I simultaneously do some chores around the house and procrastinate others. It’s a skill. But what I was thinking about is how I got to be this way. The blog I wrote on My Panic Attack History and actually being able to visualize the general time line of events and progression really brought some things to my attention.

The first thing that pops out, is how on earth did I only figure out something was wrong less than a week ago? I may be a lot of things, but an idiot is not one of them. Denial must be way more powerful than I’ve ever given it credit.

Second thing that pops out is that I really don’t think what’s going on with me is limited to the standard definition of agoraphobia. It seems more like I’ve spent my lifetime avoiding things that have ever produced a negative experience. It is spilling into all areas of my life. The most obvious (now!) to me is that I panic almost every time I step foot outside my door. And of course that pesky, intense fear of driving. But it’s also affected my sleep, my sex drive, my inability to return phone calls (what’s up with that, I’d like to know – not to mention my occasional inability to answer the phone when it rings), my inability to relate to my fiance, my anxiety levels when my son isn’t on his best behavior, and the guilt and grief I feel about all of those things.

Just thinking about all of the areas of my life that have been tainted by my freaking out and my fear of freaking out makes me super angry. How dare it. How dare I let it.

I am left wondering where I learned this behavior. To wait for any negative experience and then completely retreat from everything having to do with it. Then I am left wondering how to break that habit for good so that I can stop missing out on my life.

One Response

  1. I am of the opinion we quit doing something when we get less out of it than if we did not do it to start with, If it were me, I would ask myself, what am I getting out of this behavior that makes me keep doing it?

    There must be something in it for you? Oherwise, why bother…?

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